I guess I was right

I had a bad feeling about my pregnancy for several days and wasn't really able to get excited. Then, I woke up this morning with cramps and heavy bleeding.  It's clear that I'm no longer pregnant. I'm devastated, but I'm not shocked. I kept hoping that this would be it for us, but never really felt confident. On to cycle 12, I guess...

I'm a nervous wreck

Ever since my doctor's appointment on Friday, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm practically convinced now that I'm going to lose this pregnancy. I'm still getting positive hpts, but that's actually not making me feel any better because I know that hcg can stay in your system even if you've suffered a loss. I don't know if the doctor is going to do bloodwork again to run my betas and I don't know if the appointment I have scheduled for June 6th is going to include an ultrasound. I guess those are both questions I should call on Tuesday to ask.

I just wish I could be excited. I hate worrying like this and feeling like everything is out of my control.

Ok, so I am still pregnant...

The doctor called me around 6:00 tonight to tell me that I was right and I am pregnant. The blood test came back positive, so he said, "Maybe there was some dilution." Of course there was, you idiot. The fact that a medical professional honestly didn't think that drinking lots of water could affect a urine pregnancy test at just over 4 weeks along is absurd. I was happy to get the good news, but I'm still pissed at him.

Because he didn't treat my appointment today as my initial pregnancy orientation appointment, I have to go back next week to be taught how to give myself the Lovenox injections. We didn't talk about what I shouldn't be eating or make a first ultrasound appointment...nothing. He just assumed I wasn't pregnant, so now I have to take more time out of work to go back and talk about all of the things we didn't talk about in the 3 hours I was there today (yes, 3 hours). I have to keep reminding myself that I'm pregnant and that's something to celebrate because I'm just so annoyed with this freakin' doctor.

Negative Urine Test

I went to the doctor's today and the urine pregnancy test they did was negative. I got a very clear positive on a FRER this morning, much darker than on Wed, so I asked the doctor if my urine could be too diluted (I drank about 1/2 a gallon of water already this morning and had peed several times at work). He said no. That annoyed me because I thought that's the exact reason why you're supposed to use FMU with hpts. Not only that, but I would only be 4w4d today, so it's super early. They sent me to do bloodwork and said that I should get the results today, but I called and won't get the results until Tuesday.
FWIW, I got another positive on a wondfo a few minutes ago. It was a faint line...probably because I've peed a million times today already...but positive nonetheless.

If I am still pregnant, I think I'm going to switch doctors. I was really upset by how dismissive he was with me today.

BFP!!

I got a BFP today at 14dpo and I couldn't be more shocked!

Cycle: 11
Timing: -4, -3, -1, O
What we did: I was temping and using OPKs, and we tried to have as much sex as we could in my fertile window. This was definitely the best timing we've had recently.
Symptoms: Nothing really that can't be explained by my usual PMS. I had diarrhea the end of the last week/over the weekend, but that's gone now. I'm really crampy and thought for sure my period was going to show up last night. I was starving yesterday and even commented to H about how unbelievably hungry I had been all day, but I doubt that's pregnancy related at this point. It was just a kind of funny after-thought.
How I told H: I took the tests this morning and it killed me all day to keep it to myself! When H got home from work, I said, "Take a look at this picture I took today," and showed him a cell phone pic of the FRER from this morning. He was like, "There's a second line. What does that mean? Does that mean I can get excited?" It was really cute.
EDD: January 27, 2014

Here's my BFP chart.

Stick, baby, stick!

Mothers' Day

I've hated Mothers' Day for almost as long as I can remember. I lost my mom when I was 14 and so, understandably, Mothers' Day has been really hard since then. I always got my aunts and grandmother cards/gifts, and when my dad was married, I would buy things for my stepmom too, but it was always a really hard day.

Now that I'm older, it seems to be even more difficult. I've lost both my grandmothers, my aunts all have their kids and grandkids to celebrate with, I don't have a stepmom anymore (thank God), and my MIL lives out of state...not that I'd really want to celebrate with her anyway. Not only that, but being 30 years old and married, people have gotten kind of awkward with me when it comes to Mothers' Day. It's like I'm supposed to have kids and they don't know what to say to me. One of my coworkers was coming around on Friday wishing a happy Mothers' Day to the moms on my floor and when she came to my classroom, she was like, "Happy Mothers' Day. Um, I mean, happy Women's Day! It's a day to celebrate all women." I know she meant well, but it was weird.

On top of all of that this year, I haven't gotten pregnant yet. If I had gotten KU on the first try, I'd have a one month old right now. My journey hasn't been as long as many other ladies, I know, but we're getting closer to that one year mark and the reality of probably needing medical intervention is setting in. That just makes this Mothers' Day that much harder. I don't have any moms to celebrate with and I have no idea when/if I'll become a mom myself. I guess I can still hope that I'll have a little one next year?

Cycle 11

Cycle 11 started today. I can't believe we're as close as we are to the 1 year mark.