It's been a while

I haven't posted in over a month, so I figured I would post an update on how things are going with me.

Earlier this week, my first post-miscarriage period showed up, so that was a relief. It took 6 weeks from my d&c, so I was starting to worry that I might have to call my doctor if it didn't show up within a few weeks. Now I'm just hoping my cycles get back to normal pretty quickly.

More importantly, my half marathon training is in full swing. I have 11 weeks until the race, and I'm following my training plan as closely as possible. I ran 8.6 miles on the treadmill today, so I'm feeling pretty confident that I'll be able to run 13.1 by Memorial Day weekend. Fingers crossed this snow melts soon so that I can start running outside again!

Today

Today is pretty tough. I should be celebrating being 12 weeks pregnant today and planning how we want to announce to everyone, but instead, I'm still at a point where I need to remind myself daily that I'm not pregnant anymore.

In addition to that, yesterday was my EDD for my first lost. I should have a one year old this week, but instead, I'm sitting here still childless and recovering from another loss.

I'm trying really hard to be positive and to be thankful for all of the good things in my life, but it's not easy. This loss has been really difficult physically and emotionally, and I'm still having a hard time moving forward.

D&C

Today, I had my D&C. I arrived at the surgery center around 6:45am, and they brought me into the OR around 8:20. My aunt is a nurse there, so she waited with my H and me before hand, and she stayed in the OR with me until I fell asleep.

There wasn't much tissue left in my uterus, so the doctor isn't sure if we'll get any results from the genetic testing. I had a ton of pain and passed a lot of tissue last Friday, so I figured we wouldn't be able to get any answers after the D&C.

I was sent home around 9:30, and I have been feeling pretty good since then. I'm starting to get a little crampy again, but the pain medication is definitely helping. I'm hoping to be able to go to work tomorrow, but for now, I'm really just playing it by ear because I don't know how I'll feel.

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. Some moments are more difficult than others, but I've had almost a week to process everything, so I'm just at the point where I'm ready to move on.

It's Over

Two weeks ago, on New Year's Day, I had some bleeding. I had an ultrasound the next day (my second) and the baby measured right on track with a strong heartbeat. Then, yesterday, I should've been 10 weeks, and I started bleeding again, but this time there were awful cramps. I had to wait all day to get into my doctor's office, and then they couldn't get me in for an ultrasound until 9:30pm at the hospital, but at 10:00 last night I found out that the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and has no heartbeat. I'm home from work again today waiting to hear from my doctor about scheduling a D&C.

Right now, I'm not sure what to feel. I'm devastated. We saw the heartbeat twice. We felt confident. We told people who now we have to untell and I'm sick to my stomach about it. I'm angry about how unfair this all is. I'm stressed thinking about going through fertility treatments again.