6 Months Ago (yesterday)

Yesterday marked six months since my surgery. We knew early on that my pregnancy probably wasn't going to last, but after a roller coaster of a month, June 16th was the day that it was officially over. It's hard to believe that was six months ago. I remember it so vividly. Driving myself to the hospital. Sitting in the ER and watching shows like Duck Dynasty for 3 hours before being told I needed surgery. Waiting for my H and it feeling like an eternity before he got there. Being freezing in the pre-op/recovery area while waiting for an OR to become available. The nurse telling me to think happy thoughts while I was being put under the anesthesia. Waking up and crying (for the first time that day) when talking to the nurse about my healing time. It's all so fresh in my mind. It's a day I'll never forget, I'm sure.

My period will likely show up by the end of the week, and I'm pretty upset about it. By cycle 11 in April, I had lost hope of getting pregnant on my own. Then, I did. After the loss, I was hopeful that we'd be able to get pregnant again and that it would be normal. Now, 6 months later, I'm not so sure. I bought into the idea that you're more fertile 6 months after a loss (and 6 months after laparoscopic surgery). Unfortunately, that doesn't appear to be the case for me. Why would it be? I wish the holidays made it easier to deal with these feelings, but it just makes it worse.

Date Day

Once again, TTC has started to take its toll on my H and me, so today we had a much needed date day. A local winery had a holiday open house, so when H saw the email, he said we should go.

They had free mulled wine, appetizers, hot cocoa, and a fire outside for making s'mores. It was pretty awesome! We did a wine tasting and munched on some appetizers, but then we realized we were pretty hungry, so we sat down in their café and had some flat bread pizzas for lunch. They were so yummy!

We both had a really great time and will definitely be going again next year.

Here's a picture I took from our lunch table:

So cozy!

I'm back

I started having computer issues last month, so I wasn't able to keep up with the Capture Your Grief project. I took a few more of the pictures, but then I gave up when I wasn't able to blog about them. My computer seems to be fixed now, so here I am.

There's not much to update about, but I'm on CD 18 of cycle 16 (5 ttcal). I'm pretty sure I ovulated two days ago, so I should get those CHs tomorrow. Here's my chart in case you're curious.

My Ovulation Chart

 

 

After I get CHs, I'll probably stop temping for the rest of the cycle. I had a hard time remembering to temp at the beginning of this cycle and I think I need to give myself a break for at least a couple weeks.

 

FX this cycle is it for us so that I can stop temping permanently. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this whole process my H and I can take.

Day 14: Family

I have a wonderful extended family, but none of them know about our loss or how long we've been TTC, so when I think about my support system, I think of my husband. He's all I've got most days, and vice versa. Here's a picture we took of ourselves on a hike today.

Day 8: Color

I don't have a color that represents my baby. When I think about colors, though, I think about the beautiful changing leaves outside my window. I look at the leaves and they just make me happy. They also make me hopeful that by the time they're green again, I'll be expecting my rainbow.

Day 4: Legacy

Unfortunately, our baby wasn't with us long enough to really leave much of a legacy behind.  One thing that will always remind me of him/her, though, is my scars. I've got three scars on my stomach from my laparoscopic surgery.



It's not a pretty picture, but any time I dress or undress, I think about my pregnancy. The scars are a reminder that I will have for the rest of my life.

Day 3: Myths