Day 4: Legacy

Unfortunately, our baby wasn't with us long enough to really leave much of a legacy behind.  One thing that will always remind me of him/her, though, is my scars. I've got three scars on my stomach from my laparoscopic surgery.



It's not a pretty picture, but any time I dress or undress, I think about my pregnancy. The scars are a reminder that I will have for the rest of my life.

Day 3: Myths

Day 2: Identity

I only knew that I was pregnant for about a month and we knew something was wrong pretty much the whole time. Because of that, we never gave our baby a name. He/she wasn't with us long enough for us to know who he/she was, so when I think of my baby's identity, I think about how I felt when I got my BFP. This is what I came up with when I sat down and thought about that day.

Day 1: Sunrise

This morning, the sunrise was officially at 6:41 in southeastern, MA, and this photo was taken around 7:00. It was a beautiful morning and a beautiful day.

Taking a photo of the sunrise was especially fitting for me today. Today is my 31st birthday. The last year was not a great year for me personally or professionally, and I won't remember my first year in my 30s fondly, but today, a new day dawned. I'm hopeful that this next year will be a good one and that the best is yet to come.

Capture Your Grief

Starting tomorrow, I'll be participating in the Capture Your Grief photography challenge for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's a 31 day challenge that lasts through October. I probably won't participate every day, but I'll try to do as many of them as I can. Part of me would really like to post the pictures to Facebook, but I'm just not comfortable with doing that. I just haven't opened up to that many people about our struggles to get pregnant or our loss, so I'm not comfortable putting my grief on display on Facebook.

I will, however, put it all out there on my blog and I'll be posting my pictures to a thread on The Bump too. I'm looking forward to participating, and I'm looking forward to seeing other people's pictures too.

If you'd like to read more about the Capture Your Grief challenge, you can read it here.

You still have hope?

Last night, my H and I were talking about a convention that he'll probably be attending in Chicago next September. We've both talked about wanting to go to Chicago for a while, so we were talking about how we could manage to turn it into a mini-vacation for us. At one point I said, "We'll have to see how much flights are and stuff when the time comes, and I guess there's also the possibility of us having a baby at that point too."  H's response was, "I forgot about that. Do you still have hope that we're going to have a baby?" Um...yeah. I do. Why wouldn't I?  I mean, it's discouraging that we're on cycle 14 and that we've had a loss, but if nothing else, the ectopic showed that I can get pregnant. His sperm got to that egg and fertilized it. That's good news. I'm confident that it will happen again and hopefully it'll be a successful pregnancy when it happens. I refuse to lose hope at this point. 

Let's do this!

I'm on CD 8 of cycle 14 and I'm feeling pretty good. The H and I have had sexy time two days in a row and although it's most likely not my FW yet, it's making me feel optimistic. We had awful timing last cycle and I think my H is trying to make up for it now. My biggest worry is that he'll tire himself out before I ovulate 7-10ish days from now.

I'm in that place now where I start to think about potential EDDs and all of that. If I were to get KU this cycle, I'd be due around the first week of June. That would mean that I would only have to take a couple of weeks of maternity leave and then I'd have summer vacation. That would work out pretty well. It would also be fun because we'd probably be able to find out the sex just before Christmas which is something I've always thought would be pretty cool.

Overall, I'm just feeling pretty good. I was pretty pessimistic about this whole process after last cycle, but now I'm just motivated. We need to make this happen!