Capture Your Grief

Starting tomorrow, I'll be participating in the Capture Your Grief photography challenge for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's a 31 day challenge that lasts through October. I probably won't participate every day, but I'll try to do as many of them as I can. Part of me would really like to post the pictures to Facebook, but I'm just not comfortable with doing that. I just haven't opened up to that many people about our struggles to get pregnant or our loss, so I'm not comfortable putting my grief on display on Facebook.

I will, however, put it all out there on my blog and I'll be posting my pictures to a thread on The Bump too. I'm looking forward to participating, and I'm looking forward to seeing other people's pictures too.

If you'd like to read more about the Capture Your Grief challenge, you can read it here.

You still have hope?

Last night, my H and I were talking about a convention that he'll probably be attending in Chicago next September. We've both talked about wanting to go to Chicago for a while, so we were talking about how we could manage to turn it into a mini-vacation for us. At one point I said, "We'll have to see how much flights are and stuff when the time comes, and I guess there's also the possibility of us having a baby at that point too."  H's response was, "I forgot about that. Do you still have hope that we're going to have a baby?" Um...yeah. I do. Why wouldn't I?  I mean, it's discouraging that we're on cycle 14 and that we've had a loss, but if nothing else, the ectopic showed that I can get pregnant. His sperm got to that egg and fertilized it. That's good news. I'm confident that it will happen again and hopefully it'll be a successful pregnancy when it happens. I refuse to lose hope at this point. 

Let's do this!

I'm on CD 8 of cycle 14 and I'm feeling pretty good. The H and I have had sexy time two days in a row and although it's most likely not my FW yet, it's making me feel optimistic. We had awful timing last cycle and I think my H is trying to make up for it now. My biggest worry is that he'll tire himself out before I ovulate 7-10ish days from now.

I'm in that place now where I start to think about potential EDDs and all of that. If I were to get KU this cycle, I'd be due around the first week of June. That would mean that I would only have to take a couple of weeks of maternity leave and then I'd have summer vacation. That would work out pretty well. It would also be fun because we'd probably be able to find out the sex just before Christmas which is something I've always thought would be pretty cool.

Overall, I'm just feeling pretty good. I was pretty pessimistic about this whole process after last cycle, but now I'm just motivated. We need to make this happen!

New Beginnings

On Monday, I'll officially begin my 8th year teaching. The beginning of the school year is always very exciting, but I'm particularly enthusiastic about this year. Last school year was rough. I had a co-teacher who didn't pull her weight and was difficult to work with, we had an extremely difficult group of students, and I was dealing with all of the ups and downs of TTC which of course resulted in dealing with the ectopic pregnancy for the last month of the school year. This year HAS to be better. It just has to be, and I'm hopeful it will be.

On Wednesday night we had an ice cream social to welcome the new 5th graders to the middle school. We had about 50 of our 100 students attend with their families, so it was a pretty good turn out. Everyone there seemed excited about the new year starting. You could feel the positivity in the room. It was pretty awesome. It made me even more optimistic that this is going to be a good year.

In case you're curious. Here are some pictures I took of my classroom yesterday. I'm in the basement, so I don't have any windows and it's hard to make it feel cheery, but I do my best with what I've got!

 

 

It's almost that time!

The first day of school dreams have already started and I'm a ball of mixed emotions (nerves and excitement) as I think about meeting my new students two weeks from tomorrow. Professional development starts the 19th and then the kids start on the 26th. I've been thinking about writing a post about this, but then I read this post from another blog. Jennie from Enjoying the Journey has said it perfectly, so I'm going to share her post with you.

It’s almost here, fellow teachers. 

Like it or not, we will wake up Monday morning much earlier than our summer sleep schedules are accustomed to, and we will walk back into the buildings we simultaneously love and fear. The newly waxed floors will look foreign without any tossed away papers and all used-up pencils, and the bare bulletin boards will mock us as we remember the cute ideas we saw on Pinterest.

We will make multiple trips from the car to our rooms, carrying bags filled with the magic we are convinced will make this year the best. We will stand surveying our rooms, hands on hips, as we envision a space that inspires and welcomes.

The plans will have to wait, though, as we sit through multiple meetings where we team-build and common-core learn and technology policy question… And don’t forget lunch-plans make, as this is the week – the only week – where we are allowed to leave for the sacred lunch.

Our non-teacher friends will roll eyes as we mention ‘heading back to work,’ and they will make snide comments about us having the whole summer off. We will roll eyes back as we mutter, “You just don’t get it.” And, bless their hearts, they don’t.

They don’t get that being a teacher – a good teacher – is like being a performer onstage for eight hours a day, five days a week who has also had to write the script, create the scenery, memorize each role, and research the backstory. 

It means dealing with hecklers in the crowd whom security cannot remove and then being responsible for said hecklers mastering the nuances of the play she is performing. It means changing the script in the middle of the performance because audience members are nodding off, and doing so with zero funds because she spent her allocation stocking up on Kleenex and hand sanitizer.

It means not being able to go to the bathroom when she needs to, but racing to beat the other teachers before the tardy bell rings. 

It means having her performance observed and critiqued by those who only see just a part, and receiving blame if the audience doesn’t rush to join her onstage.

It means so much more than any non-teacher can understand.

It means feeling like you have more children than you actually delivered, crying at their troubles and celebrating their victories. It means noticing the child who has no brand new supplies and no way of getting what the list requires. 

It means sinking into your chair as the final bell rings, asking yourself if you can make it another day. It means arriving earlier the next morning to ensure that you can.

Being a teacher is hard. But it’s good.

Do me a favor, ok? If you’re not a teacher and you see one in the next few days wearing a look of panic – tell her thank you. Tell her thanks for cramming 365 days worth of knowledge into 180 (fewer if you count the interruptions and standardized tests). Say thank you for her being “on” every day when she steps in front of your child, leaving her own exhaustion, troubles, and worries at home. Let her know you appreciate the fact that she cannot just leave her work at work, but brings it (and thoughts of your child) home with her.

I guarantee she doesn’t hear ‘thanks’ nearly enough. You might even make her cry.

Upsetting day

Last week, my husband and I got our house appraised. The appraiser was very thorough and made sure to write down all of the improvements that we've made. We got the appraisal back today and unfortunately, none of the improvements have added any value to our house. I'm devastated. Our house appraised for $21k less than it did 4 years ago and about $40k less than we needed to be able to refinance and get rid of PMI. We're not upside down on our mortgage, but the appraisal is less than we bought it for and only about $10k more than we owe. The whole thing is crazy to me considering that we bought after the market crashed and have done a TON of improvements.

We've added all new windows and exterior doors, a new deck, a new furnace and a/c condenser (added the central air), a shed, new countertop, sink, and appliances in the kitchen, new carpets in the bedrooms, and a new vanity and toilet in the bathroom. Not only that, but with all of the painting and landscaping we've done, it's much prettier than it was 4 years ago. I can't believe we've lost value. I just can't. We're not looking to sell, so it's not the end of the world, but I'm just so upset that we've put our blood, sweat, and tears into this house and we've lost value.

My husband talked to the mortgage broker, but he hadn't seen the appraisal yet. He's going to "see what we can do," but there's no way we can lower our payments at this point.

Time flies

I can't believe it's August already. In 18 days, I'll be back to work for a week of professional development and in 25 days, I'll be meeting 50 new 5th graders. I plan to do my best to enjoy the rest of my vacation, but I'm starting to feel ready for school to start again. Sort of.

 

The fact that it's August also means that we'll be officially back to TTC this month. Today is CD 3 and hopefully this cycle will be as normal as last cycle was. I'm very lucky that things got back to normal so quickly after my loss and I'm really hoping they stay that way. Here's hoping August is good to us!